I come to you with my heart in my hands.

There are pieces of it that are missing, left with people who couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved. Being all-knowing. You already knew that.

There are arteries with tiny holes, for all the ways I’ve convinced myself I wasn’t enough. The veins that pump too wildly because sometimes there’s just too much emotion happening in there. Some parts are bruised; I haven’t been so good with guarding what you’ve given me.

But my heart’s still intact; though days like today, it sure doesn’t feel like it.

Today I come to you with this heart: this tired heart, this big heart, this silly heart that keeps giving itself away. I come to you with loss, with breakage, with fear for the future and how I’m ever going to let love back in. I come to you still wrestling with my feelings for a man who seems to never have much use for me except for when it was convenient I come to you with this broken heart with, still trying to figure out if I can ever understand what I’ve done wrong, if I’m more than what I think he sees, if I’m ever supposed to let him go, ever unlove him, or if I should.

I come to you with all of me, hoping that somehow you’ll repair the damage, heal his and my tormented souls again.

God, you’ve given me the gift of love. You’ve blessed me, blessed all of us humans with hearts to let others in, with the ability to connect in ways we can’t even explain or comprehend sometimes. It’s so wonderful. But sometimes most times I don’t understand it. I am reminded of my shortcomings daily most notably and this Department and I question everything now. I never let Myself question anything about him. The feelings I felt the first time I saw his sad eyes. And the feelings I felt when I watched his eyes and body becomes full of something resembling life. He is the first in all ways but one. He’s human so here I am looking for these answers and the only question I have come up with to get an answer is

Why do you let us fall for people who maybe aren’t right for us? Why do you allow us to have such powerful emotions, such profound relationships if they’re eventually going to fail? Why do you let us get, mistreated, broken, and left? For a softer mouth and probably fatter wallet and maybe not so crazy I wonder and then I see something shiny and just like that I’ve lost my way.

I guess I’ll figure it out until then turn the page….