That was the moment,

Right there, the final gunshot.

No one else could hear. Only me. My reaction hasn’t been. I like usual put that pain in a huge compartment and tried with all my might to shove it as far back in our dysfunctional closet as possible.

I could never make it disappear it creeps up almost every day. I never want to deal with the fallout of my decision to not look, so I kept not looking. The single-barrel shotgun the one that shoots the bullet no one can hear except me. I am starting to acknowledge and feel the burden, and I can finally see and feel the gaping wound that keeps getting blown open; every day.

And now, from what I’ve read. It’s time to brace myself, brace myself for the horrific pain I’m supposed to feel, I wait and still I’m waiting, maybe the pain was the dysfunction in our relationship…that pain was torture, makes Stalin look like a sweet old lady, oh my god the pain. But this pain , I’m prepared so I let it wash over me, I let it consume me as it should have a year ago.

Now, maybe the past year of holding on with all my might has exhausted me, the ride or die bitch that was so easily given, and taken. I’ve been white knuckling the helm of this sinking ship. I finally felt that bullet today, the one from the single barrel shotgun no one can hear but me. When I braced myself for the pain that was sure to ensue as it should have a year ago. After a minute or two of bracing, I felt the sadder and more painful part of that gunshot.

Nothing. There is absolutely nothing there. I have flatlined and I don’t want to revive this truth. It’s done I’m done. Time of death unknown, cause masochistic self-harm.