I’ve had a day and I learned more lessons on subject matter that I thought I possessed a doctorate in. 

Sometimes I wonder about myself. 

And I get distracted by something shiny, and just like that. 

I’ve lost my way.

I surprised myself, I felt something today.

It was a familiar feeling.

I was sad, really sad. 

I haven’t been for quite some time.

That’s a lie, I’m still sad all the time.

 I don’t want to feel, so I work.

 I work, and I don’t go home. 

Because he is there. He is everywhere. 

I didn’t want to feel the agony.

And another thing,

I am sick, 

Sick all the time.

I am really,

Oh so very absurdly

Guilty, very guilty…..

Of being obsessed.  

Something pretty important,

Some of what was left,

All I thought I had.

The warm, my fire. The will, tenacity, Warrior,

My insides, 

The stuff making me up.

That’s what died in the last fight.

 Or Somewhere, 

Or sometimes along the way.

  In just a few minutes I felt it die. 

I have been running from the feeling, 

So I work and I don’t go home.

I’m fueled by my grief, cold coffee, and cigarettes.

This is my last solemn vow,

The last time I’ll give myself a kind reminder.

I’m not going to ask myself;

One more time. 

Not one more. 

“how much can I lose before I’m completely lost?”

Ridiculous, and petulant.

That’s the part that died, the last fight.

Just that,

Not even a skirmish, just a fist to cuff.

Here’s the battle……

Sometimes  I wonder about myself. 

 Then I see something shiny, and just like that,  

I’ve lost my way….