Truth is, since the day I got sober I have never thought about drinking or overusing my medication. I was very sick for a very long time. I self medicated. I’m mentally ill, tbh I thought everyone felt like I did. Smiling in front of people and no one knows there’s gunfire going off in my head. My mind was/is a battlefield.. everyday I battle OCD like a proper addict . I pine for my fix, so to speak.i never understood what everyone in the rooms was talking about when. They said how much they missed their fix. Because, me once I checked myself in, I never even once wanted to be high again. Don’t even think about it when it’s right in front of my face. I can have anything delivered to my door. And I don’t, what I want, is my cabinet at my mothers house to distract myself, and a basket of clean white towels to wash, dry, fold, and kick over. Or throw away because one won’t fold correctly. I ache to hurt myself. I want to pull out my hair, feel the pain of scratching off an old scar, seeing the blood and feel the fleeting relief from the anxiety that drives my day. To feel as if I have control of something.

I had to take that away from. Myself. So unless you can provide me with any of the aforementioned, I can be your friend. Even if you could I’m not some mindless lemming, unless you had the good towels, then I might not hire the local stoner to fold my laundry for me.