Survey Says!

You are hallucinating, still. I say, “maybe if I talk to him about it again, cry or ignore it, it’ll all be fine.” My pragmatic remarks:

“You don’t do that anymore, and I hate you for it.”

Maybe I’ll get my answers in a book, a book I’ll read in the bookstore. Just so I don’t have to buy it. I’m cheap. More on that in a minute.

I’ve googled it and there are so many “how to get your man to love you, again.” or in my case possible for the first time.

I’ve asked him directly, and his answer. Cricket’s, a swift change of the subject, or my favorite “you need to calm down, you’re trippin.” My least favorite is “did you take your meds today?”

I’m chasing what once was, dysfunctional and abusive. Just to get that feeling again. The “I’m sorry for doing that so I’ll fuck it all better.” Like I was important enough to fuck after being abused.

Now I’m just abused with no fucking. Well, that’s not true. There is sex, I am a fuck piñata. Every morning, I suck his dick or he graciously puts spit on his head before shoving his Dick in me back and forth. Same position, every day. To be honest, I don’t think he has looked at me in over a year. Truly I’m just something to jerk off into and ask for money. That’s why I’m cheap, I’ve spent all my money on this guy. Who cheated on my dumb ass, and so the next logical thing I could do, moved him into my home.

Sometimes I wonder about myself, then I get bored and try to make my life a little more painful and appease my emotionally masochistic inner child who has been locked in her closet for far too long.

Survey SAYS!

It’s my dream relationship and hopefully soon, I’ll wake the fuck up.