It’s not for a lack of trying, and I’m not trying too hard either.

When I try for something, I go all out, no matter how dysfunctional, if my mind is set. Believe me it will in one way or another happen.

I have learned my way of loving, no matter who the victim or recipient is was white and black, all or nothing. I would hold a proverbial baby bird until it loved me or stopped being able to love anyone because I held on too tightly and it died. In my hands. Or being the I love you slut I once was, if you say those words, which most people always do in the beginning when I’m most useful. I had a habit of saying it back, then going to the grocery store and never coming back. I believe Jason is still waiting at his kitchen table for my return, 12 years later. I’m still not going back.

I’ve learned over time both of my ways were causing undue hardship to all involved. Detrimental to my growth and delusional in my audacity to call myself kind, all my ways to love in one way or another I have found myself alone on a Sunday afternoon, after I threw the party and had payed attention to every minute detail all year so I could give him the best gift yet.

He said thank you, and I think he really meant it. I worked hard to have his pals over and cook and clean without someone noticing that I needed help.

So, how is it I’ve passed the test this time and I got everything correct on paper, and my blueprints for the perfect weekend came to life in the perfect way.

I still saw taillights, and I’m alone because everyone has paid their visit and gets to go back to their homes where they know they belong. Sitting here on the tail end of my court ordered weekend. I don’t understand. Although, I loved perfectly all I hear is the washer washing the chlorine-soaked towels. What is a home without noise to fill it and sticky fingers prints adorning the glass, just four walls and hardwood floors to obsess over. And I most certainly don’t need to mop my floor for the third time today, my cat is taking a nap, again. My use has run its course until it’s time for work or something. That’s when I will start breathing again. When I’m useful to someone.  But until then,

All I see is, taillights.