**The Final Blow**

 

For the past ten years, I have tried with all my might to remind myself what a monster you are. I tell anyone who is interested in me long enough to ask, “Why are you so messed up? What happened to you?”

 

I was thrown away so long ago that I convinced myself my way to a family was to find safety in strangers, and home was wherever I would lay my head.

 

I knew I was going to see you today. I prepared for the confrontation, found my soapbox, dusted it off, threw it in the back of my shiny new SUV, wore my best outfit, shoes I spent too much money on, and every diamond I own. I put curlers in my hair, did my makeup extra perfect. (Not acknowledging I was going to my son’s football game, and it was due to be 104 degrees. My best friend even packed you a cold drink and a snack.) I was going to show you the 8/10 glossy. The perfect, even lovable, medicated, successful woman-child I have become on my own. I was going to show you I did not deserve to be thrown away, that I am of value, worthy of love. I even packed my new shiny California State Bar test outcome. Here came the answers to all my questions. Right in front of me, there it was—my chance, my golden chance to show you that I am nothing like you thought.

 

There was no confrontation. There were no eye rolls. There was no making fun of me. You did not even tell me I was ugly—the worst thing that could have ever happened. You delivered. You shot your final round.

 

I wish you would’ve said something horrible. You hurt me worse today than I’ve ever been hurt in my life, and that says a lot because I suffered a lot with you at the helm of my sinking ship. The funny thing is, Kristin knew what was best for me; she tried to protect me.

 

I went back and forth with going and not, knowing in my soul it was going to be the most painful day in my recovery from you. My best friend told me not to go, but as you know, I must defy the odds. I never lose at anything I have ever put my mind to. If I want it, I make it my mission in life to get it. And when I do get what I want, the path of destruction and dysfunction I trudged is just something I add to my collection.

 

I have never been able to win you. It is what is wrong with me.

 

Today, I met the pinnacle of my masochism. It rose to the highest peak of my tallest mountain I have yet to climb—I realized today, that proverbial mountain I will not climb. That’s what I figured out today. I was never going to be anything to you. You got your point across. I believe you. That stupid mountain, it will forever look down on me, frozen in the landscape, no expression, just stone. Looking away, far, far away. The worst thing that I never imagined happening, happened today. Nothing, I didn’t exist you looked straight through me. Trying to climb you mountain has been like trying to climb a glass wall in knee socks, covered in oil with no ladder, it is time to let it go. It is time to greave the loss of my father. I am dead to you. I understand now.

 

 

Nothing. I was invisible. Not even worthy of a nod of your head or a flip of your middle finger.

 

You gave me the final blow, ten years, and some change later. I have my answer. No more dreaming about how much they think about me, no more believing they speak about me.

 

My fate is far worse.

 

They, he does not even love me enough to hate me.

 

I am nothing to him.

 

Worthless.

 

I got the final blow.

Time of death 4:45 Tuesday, September 24, 2024.

Cause self harm, again..